File 015: LOVE STYLE

 Greetings, It's been a while since revealing myself I truly wouldn't know where to start. Perhaps gratitude for the fact that I am alive and well. More gratitude for love, my heart has not grown cold. I hope the same for you all too.

Welcome to File 015: Love Style

    How I love when I feel safe

When I feel safe, my love is pure. There is no game in it. No guard. No exit plan.

Before I had the answer now I have the knowing. I will get into the knowing later down the line for now. Looking back there were two relationships that show me who I really am when my nervous system isn't in survival mode. The first is my grandmother.

I love her with everything in me, unconditionally. She loved me the same way. She was the greatest thing living to me. With her, I never questioned my worth. I never had to perform to be loved, I just was. My love for her was instinctual and overtime learned. The more I found out about her, the more memories we made together, the more I loved her.

Protective. Intentional. I wanted her life to be easier because she existed. If she took medicine that was toxic, I researched alternatives. If she was tired, I tried to carry the weight. If she needed something, I noticed before she asked.

I asked myself how does my love feel when I am safe. Looking back just a few years ago answered my question that led to my newfound now knowing.

I study you. I care deeply. I think ahead. I want and try my best to improve your quality of life, not just say I love you. Pull those heart strings and make you feel some real things.

As I dive deeper into self the second relationship has got to go to me. Myself, The Goddess. The God inside and out, me. I say this with strong conviction happily. That relationship is solid. Rooted. Alive. My life is amazing. I'm not saying that with ego either. I create what I want when I want. I move with an exeptional amount of clarity. I see fast results because I believe in myself and I act accordingly. I trust my intuition. I trust divine timing. Most importantly I trust that what's meant for me responds to me. 

When I am safe within myself, I don't chase. I damn sure don't beg. I don't doubt my power. I move knowing I'm supported. Spiritually and internally.

My love is very real. Whole and selfless. I love with my entire being. I love to take care of those I love. Educated. Encouraged. Seen. Fed, emotionally and physically. I am thoughtful in ways that come naturally, not forcefully. This version of me loves freely. Without calculation and fear. Without holding back. That's typically the part people don't always understand about me.

I don't love lightly, I love deeply when I feel safe.

The contrast between how I love when I'm safe versus how I love when I'm guarded is extreme. When I don't feel safe, I detach. I un love. I disappear emotionally. I become cold where I was once warm. This is intentional. Safety though, unlocks devotion. It unlocks tenderness and just so happen my very best qualities. This file is important because it reminds me and anyone reading that shadow isn't bad it is truth waiting to be released. Shadows need light, avoidance isn't nature. Softness still exists and my own capacity to love is not and will never be broken.

It just needs the right environment to bloom.

Thank you all for reading a long and overdue File. I will be sure to drop a file every Thursday and more when I can. I look forward to getting through this transmission so we can move on to more personal matters. Until then love to you all.

File 014: Attachment & Avoidance

    How I love and how I unlove.

I had a great childhood, it wasn't perfect but it was beautiful to say the least. Extraordinary moments, laughter and innocence...There were parts I held onto way longer than I realized or even wanted to. The parts that shaped how I respond, how I detach, how I protect myself. Not receiving the love I wanted in the way I wanted from my parents created a quiet storm inside. They loved me but the delivery missed me in places where I needed it to land, as I'm sure vice versa with them. That gap took a toll.

For a long time I felt like my love for them faded. Not in a dramatic way just a slow dimming. Like a light I stopped turning on because I didn't like or agree with the shadows it revealed. And when the love faded there it became easier for me not care about loving anyone else. Not fully. Not vulnerably. Not at the cost of myself. I love love truly I do, but I love unloving even more. Leaving, detaching, slipping out the backdoor of my own emotions. That made me feel powerful, safe and untouchable. A Venus in Sagittarius heart explains it all. Wild, free, allergic to cages. When the fire gets too close, I run. A true water sign after all. When someone wants me too much, I pull back. When I feel the tension of vulnerability, I switch into " You can't hurt me if I don't stay long enough" mode.

My love is passionate, but it doesn't like being held still. My love is loyal, but only when it feels understood. My love is big, but it avoids dark corners. My love is honest, but only once I feel safe. My love is savage, charming, sexy and soulful. It also has an exit route drawn on the floor at all times. I avoid things I don't want to explain because for so long I only had myself to talk to. My inner child has been the only witness to my emotions, so I learned to comfort myself and hide from myself. I've always loved me that part I don't question. But I've avoided the parts I didn't wanna deal with. I avoided the wounds that felt too deep or too embarrassing. I avoided the versions of me that needed softness when I only knew how to give strength. Attachment became conditional and avoidance became my love language.

Now I'm realizing that avoidance is just fear wearing independence as a disguise. It's just old pain acting like a preference. It's just inner child abandonment dressed as "I'm good." I'm not running from that anymore. I'm learning to look at the parts I used to turn away from. Learning to sit with the uncomfortable parts of me. The clingy, the distant, the hungry, the scared, the protective, the "don't touch me", the "why didn't you stay." I am teaching myself how to stay with me first. So I can finally learn how to stay with others in a way that doesn't drain me or punish them.

Attachment is how I reached. Avoidance is how I retreat. My healing is learning how to remain.

 

File 013: The Patterns I Keep/Kept Feeding

     There are patterns you don't notice until they start hurting in the same place every time. You'll think life is repeating itself but really, you are. I had to get real honest with myself for this post it's been a little while since releasing my last post and I've come to know and realize that I was feeding the same loops with the same choices. I then had the nerve to expect a brand new outcome to grow from old soil. Truth is I didn't value myself first. I said yes when my body screamed NO. I stayed quiet to keep the peace. ( I'm a know it all if you didn't know). I made myself small so others could stay comfortable. I let people eat off my energy when I was starving and then I'd resent them for it..Not realizing it was me abandoning me.

" If you are silent about your pain, they'll kill you and say you enjoyed it." Zora Neale Hurston.

I fed patterns through the things I used/use to cope:

Drinking too much, A.K.A poisoning myself.

Vaping

Escaping myself

Walking into spaces I didn't belong in, trying to feel something.

Choosing people I knew weren't good for me.

Hurting people who cared.

Hurting myself even more.

Self abuse always becomes mutual abuse. When you treat yourself badly, you give everyone permission to match that energy. I didn't want to admit that once upon a time. I cursed myself with my words, I cursed others too. Out loud or silently. Anger, jealousy, insecurity...All of it leaked into the room before I did, then I wondered why my relationships felt chaotic. I lied, to myself and others. Small spiritual betrayals. The " I'm fine" when I wasn't. The " I don't care" when I did. The pretending, the performing. I sabotaged what was good. I tolerated what was bad. I called it "love," "loyalty", "having a big heart". It wasn't any of those honestly it was fear and habit. It was the parts of me that didn't want to heal yet. I've been lazy with my growth. Lazy with my boundaries. Lazy with keeping my word to others and myself. I didn't appreciate myself, so how could I appreciate anyone else consistently?

I abused people mentally, emotionally, verbally. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes because I didn't have the tools to respond any healthier. Physically too, in moments I'm not proud of. Violence against yourself eventually spills outward.

The pattern was me. The loop was me. The pain was me. The avoidance was me. The most important part is that I'm catching myself now. I'm stopping mid-pattern. I'm watching my triggers before they turn into reactions. I'm noticing the old energy when it rises and choosing different, even when it's hard. I'm hearing that quiet voice inside saying " don't do that again" I'm actually listening. Breaking patterns is not about perfection. It's bout awareness. It's about not lying to yourself anymore. It's about saying " I know what this is, and I'm not feeding it today."

This file is me taking responsibility for the things I once justified. The loops I built, the ones I walked into, the ones I thought were fate and most importantly the ones I'm walking out of now. 

File 012: The Quiet Jealousy

 The envy we don't admit out loud.

Nobody wants to talk about jealousy. Not spiritual people. Not the confident people. Not the ones who love themselves. Not the healed women or men. Not the strong ones. We all pretend we're above it, but shadow work doesn't care about how you look on the outside. It cares about the truth you whisper to yourself when the room is dark. The truth is: I've been jealous before. Not loud jealousy, not hate, not wishing people failed but quiet sting. The discomfort in your chest when someone has something you want, or becomes something you're trying to become, or receives love you always had to beg for, or moves with confidence you're still building.

I wish I could walk around cluelessly and put off the thoughts of what this horribly beautiful world is. Unfortunately fortunate I was born clever, jealous of those who aren't.

It's the jealousy that hides itself as comparison. The jealousy that shows up as overthinking. The jealousy that says "Why not me?" and not in an of course it's me type of way. The jealousy that makes you shrink instead of expand. I used to pretend it wasn't. " I'm just observing", " I'm just being honest", "I'm just protecting my peace". My most common disguises. The shadow always knows. Jealousy was not my sign that I hated someone else, it was a sign I abandoned myself somewhere along the way. Jealousy points to a wound. Comparison points to a desire. Envy points to a story you're still believing about your worth. Sometimes, I'd find myself comparing my journey to people who weren't even in the same timeline as me. I'd feel that internal drop, like I wasn't enough. Like I wasn't doing enough, like something was wrong with me. (Excuse my language but ain't that about a bitch?) 

Here's the part I had to face: Most of the time, my jealousy came from my own insecurities. A version of me I hadn't healed yet. A version of me still operating from lack. I've also been the person people were secretly jealous of, that taught me something too.. Jealousy has nothing to do with the other person. It's always an internal frequency. So now instead of hiding from it, I ask myself: 

What part of me feels unworthy right now? What part of me feels behind? What part of me stopped believing in myself? Jealousy isn't the problem. Silence, avoidance, and projection is. Letting the envy grow roots is. When it comes up now, I don't shame myself for it. I listen to it, and I let it show me the places that need more love, more work, more honesty. The shadow isn't trying to embarrass you, It's trying to free you.

This file was me owning the parts of myself I used to hide, so those parts don't own me anymore. 

Jealousy only lives in the dark, once you say it's name, it loses power.

File 011: Volume Two- The Mirror Begins

     Volume Two: Shadow Sides + Personal Truths

I knew this volume would be different before I wrote the first word. The air around it is heavier,  thick and slower more honest. It's like you can't step into your next version without passing through the part of yourself you'd usually avert your eyes from. Avert your mind from. The the mirror isn't gentle. It doesn't show the curated image, it shows the truth. The little lies we tell ourselves. The excuses. The emotional shortcuts. The patterns that feel like home even when they hurt.

This Volume isn't about judging myself or others, it's about admitting the things I avoid. Shadow work is nothing but honesty. It's the kind that make your stomach drop. The kind that feels like death before rebirth. It wasn't "Them", It wasn't God and or the Universe "testing me".. It was me. My fear. My ego. My defensiveness. My emotional shortcuts. My assumptions. My need to feel in control or protected. My refusal to see the role I played. That's where the shadow lives my shadow lives, n the places you swear you're innocent. I'm not writing this from a healed perspective a pedestal even. I'm writing from inside the mess, from inside the mirror. I know right from wrong. I'm looking at it in the mirror everyday. I'm still realizing how often I show up from old wounds, not present truths. How often I hand people responsibility for feelings that are actually mine. How often I react instead of respond. How often I speak from insecurity instead of clarity. How often I abandon myself while claiming I'm doing my best.

This file is the doorway. The shift from "awareness" to "accountability", from talking about energy to actually looking at your own. Understanding shadow to recognizing when it's wearing your face. This is me stepping into the dark parts of myself without running. I'm tired of repeating stories that are beneath the person I'm becoming. I'm tired of protecting a version of me that no longer matches my frequency. I'm tired of pretending the shadows aren't mine.

So here we are. You, me, the truth, the mirror. Volume Two begins with the part of yourself you must meet before you evolve.

Welcome to the Shadow Frequency. We're going in, but we're coming out different.

End Transmission: Volume One

     Ten Transmissions. Ten portals of awareness. Each one a mirror, a lesson, a charge. We began with attention learning where energy goes when we don't guard it. We walked through emotion, money, relationships, and embodiment. We learned how energy speaks through the body, how it moves through love, art, and the collective field. This volume was never about instruction, it was initiation. Remembering what it means to live charged, to move with intention, to honor your personal power as sacred currency. 

Each file was a frequency and together they created a field. A vibration of truth, healing, and awareness strong enough to shift you and maybe the world around you. If you've read this far, you're already part of the grid. You've felt the current. You've learned that everything from breath to thought is energy in motion. So as Volume One closes, let this be both a thank you and a transmission:

Keep living intentionally, keep loving consciously, keep turning into your own signal. There is more to come, a new cycle, a new tone, a new evolution of frequency. Before we step into what's next, Pause. Breathe. Honor how far you've already traveled. The work continues but for now, We rest in Resonance.

What frequency did Volume One activate in you? What do you want to carry forward into the next chapter?

    Authors Note

 Thank you for tuning into the very first volume of the Frequency Files. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I hope it pushed something in you, even if that push felt uncomfortable or like a dip into the unknown. Honestly we need that right now. Discomfort is where the real shifts happen. I wrote these files while going through and moving over a lot. From letting go of occupations to moving, losing relationships, my birthday, rebuilding boundaries, checking my own energy leaks, learning to treat people better while not abandoning myself, and actually sticking to my word no matter how small a word. Everything I talked about in these files is something I'm still actively working on. I never want to speak from a place of being "above" anything, I'm right in it with you. I did my best to make each file digestible, clear, and still honest. For Volume Two...Who knows? I might get even more personal. Maybe even a little indigestible. Maybe that's exactly where the next level of truth lives. 

Thank you all for reading, for feeling, for growing with me. Volume Two is on the way.

File #010: Collective Frequency

 We are all transmitters. Each heartbeat each breath sends signal, each thought shaping the field. You've tuned your mind, balanced your emotions, and grounded your body. Now the current moves beyond self into the collective grid. Every community, city, and system is a reflection of the energy that built it. Anger creates control. Fear builds barriers. Love constructs bridges. Our collective frequency is the sum of our individual vibrations, a pulse of shared consciousness. When enough of us choose clarity, compassion, and accountability, the world itself retunes. This isn't fantasy, it's physics. Energy cannot be destroyed, only transferred. So the more light we circulate, the less shadow can survive.

Your personal healing was never just yours. Every time you set a boundary, forgive, rest, create, or tell the truth you send a ripple through the field. Someone else feels it, and quietly remembers they can too. Collective frequency is not built through control or conformity, it's built through resonance. Different tones, same intention: Elevation. This is where energy meets purpose. Your daily choices, your voice, your craft are frequencies shaping tomorrow. So charge up, stay grounded, and keep transmitting love louder than fear.

We are the current. We are the grid. We are the frequency.

Practice: Strengthening the Collective Field

Share Intention: Meditate or pray for collective clarity, even silently. Energy responds to unified focus.

Community Rituals: Gather in art, movement, or service. Energy magnifies through togetherness.

Micro Healing: One kind word, one calm response, one deep breath in chaos all shift the field.

Circulate Resources: Time, Wisdom, Money, Care. Energy flows best when shared.

Protect the Signal: Be mindful of the energies you amplify online and in person. Awareness is activism.

Collective healing begins when individual frequencies choose alignment over ego. Together, we become a living waveform reminding the world that light is louder.

How are you contributing to the collective frequency? Through your choices, your words, your presence? What vibration do you want your legacy to leave behind?