File 017: The Truth I was afraid to admit

 Everybody cannot be saved or changed, they can be destroyed. Kill with truth and kindness.

One of the most powerful things in the Universe is Truth. The Truth is, the battle of  self is the longest battle. Growing and healing is not linear but it's very possible and neccesary. The Truth is there are no limits on any playing field. What matters is how you use your limitlessness. I used to despise when people said they were "fighting demons", I never really truly understood it til I realized I fought those demons in real life and real time. I inner and overstand it now. It's difficult because most of the demons were the ones we weren't equipt to fight in the first place. Hadn't even been given the proper knowledge on exactly what those demons are. Very equipt to know where they came from though. I believe from birth to age 8 are the most impressionable years of a humans life. It's also where most of these attacks occur. Predatory behavior, beatings or 'whoopens', abuse, neglect the list goes on. The soak in of the external life around us as we are navigating and getting to know our inner life. As children we may know right from wrong but children are easily influenced by their surroundings and adults. Tiny humans whose brains cannot develop properly if they are not told the truth. There is no such thing as protecting a child from the truth. Children are the most oppressed group in the world, the law doesn't view them as people. As the black Gods and Goddesses we are. The Creators and Creatress have lost all consciousness in a conscious world because of this. Children are the past, present, and future. We were all once children and a lot of us "grown" in age still are, the average black adult is still a child. All adults are still merely children. Frontal lobes develop at ages 25-35. I innerstand everybody can't be saved, I overstand there are people that love the dark no matter the color. Some people love to hurt and hate, others hate it but love for those around them to. Essentially an endless cycle of hurt. I don't support, stand behind, or agree with that cycle and if you do it's forever fuck you. I say this to say, go back to your childhood and recognize what you survived. Confront those demons and end them. After doing so it is your duty to make sure these things do not happen to any other children around you. Not by the hands of you or others. Not your parents, schools, government, family members, strangers, friends, NOBODY should be hurting by the hands of carelessness.  The hands of hate, dissociation anything. It runs deep, deeper than you think. Slavery should not still be affecting us til this day especially not at this rate. It starts with children and It starts with you! Protect them with your life force, be willing to die about your moral ground. About your knowing. Speak your truth no matter who it hurts or offends, that is not your problem nor your issue to fix. You've lived through it and survived it, but it becomes a point in time where it needs to be addressed. Accountability is key. Truth is one of the most powerful things in the Universe. To tell the truth is to love and love triumps all. Let your weight go and let your oppressor carry it. The dead living.

Thank you all for continuing to tune into these levels of Frequency. For all the people, living in their truth and doing the work. Thank you, I love you and I am more than proud of you. I am fond of you. This is something I've been wanting to confront for a long time, I am letting go of the ones who do not truly love themselves. It's not my burden to hold anymore. Don't let it be yours either. Let's talk breeding plantations, until next time.

File 016: The Sabotage Files

     I can be a slacker but I'm still here. Truth is I was supposed to finish writing and releasing this File yesterday. Let's just say I sabotaged my way out so much so I didn't even realize it was release day. Here I am on a Friday Rising now cool, calm and collected giving you all the juice. I just wanna thank you all for still choosing to read no matter how fluctuating the posts have been. So far I haven't seen a drop in views only growth, I'm forever grateful for that. Essentially, we have 3-4 more files to get and go through. After that you all will have me. The non-digestible Mi. I am most excited and proud to share her with you all, present thoughts and dreams. Foundations are always most important, I always knew where I was going and this foundation is how I'm getting there. You will be seeing updates to the site soon after our foundation is complete. I know you're wondering what? It's just a blog site, stick around and fuck around & find out. 

Self betrayal, procrastination, and ignoring intuition.

    One of the biggest downfalls of humanity is self betrayal. With betraying ourselves we betray our planet and each other as a whole. We've all been tricked and betrayed from birth, owned by a corporation acting as a dead entity on paper. Every time you feed yourself with the separators (colonizers) agenda you betray yourself. We all do. My worst sin if there were such a thing in fact is destroying and betraying myself for no reason outside of temporary sensation. Trying to fit the aesthetic of colonized eyes. You have to see through these eyes clearly and choose your own. Love is not weak, hate and seperation is. I mean this in every aspect. Entertainment, Drugs, Sex, Employment, Destroying Earth, Doubt, Fast Food consumption, Hate, Aesthetics/ Standards of Colonized Eyes whether it's Beauty Standards, Housing, Cars, Clothing & Accesories, Careers/Lifestyle, Interests, Religion, Education the list goes on... Anything that is marketed towards you is more than likely what's out to destroy you. The biggest self betrayal as a human is being too cool to be a real human. Too cool to Feel, Think, and Love Freely. Remember everything in mainstream is the view of you through your Masters eyes. Says a lot without saying much at all because you believe them too. If they will lie to you about who you are they will lie about everything else if you believe them. With all that being said, procrastination is what's keeping us stuck. We know what we need to do to get back on top yet we just don't. Myself included, I write these because they are important to me. Yet I procrastinate on dropping the files out of doubt, worry, etc. Consistency is key for the things you truly want. Don't procrastinate when it comes to your dreams, you never know when they'll start chasing you. Lastly ignoring your intuition like self betrayal is one of the biggest downfalls of humanity. To ignore your gut is to ignore yourself and needs. To ignore your own intuition is saying Fuck your people. We love ourselves so of course we don't wanna do that but we do. I know some of the shit I watch is terrible for my brain, subconscious, my body etc. Yet I still watch it, I ignore my gut out of interest of entertainment. Now I am having a serious sitdown with self to ask why do I find my people destroying each other entertaining? Back to what I said above, It's not that I find it entertaining per say. I've been taught that this is how my people look, behave, etc. That is the farthest thing from the truth though, this is how the opposition views us and promotes us to us! It's a mind fuck and thats only a small betrayal. We can get bigger, humoungous even or tiny microsopic. To betray your people is to betray yourself and vice versa. Send love to all those times you betrayed yourself, be patient with yourself, do what you love to avoid procrastination, and most importantly stop ignoring your intuition. It is how we have survived on this planet, let's thrive now. It was supposed to be an honor to be a human. Have we forgotten?

Thanks again for reading, I enjoy your feedback very much and I can't wait to see what comes up next. 

File 015: LOVE STYLE

 Greetings, It's been a while since revealing myself I truly wouldn't know where to start. Perhaps gratitude for the fact that I am alive and well. More gratitude for love, my heart has not grown cold. I hope the same for you all too.

Welcome to File 015: Love Style

    How I love when I feel safe

When I feel safe, my love is pure. There is no game in it. No guard. No exit plan.

Before I had the answer now I have the knowing. I will get into the knowing later down the line for now. Looking back there were two relationships that show me who I really am when my nervous system isn't in survival mode. The first is my grandmother.

I love her with everything in me, unconditionally. She loved me the same way. She was the greatest thing living to me. With her, I never questioned my worth. I never had to perform to be loved, I just was. My love for her was instinctual and overtime learned. The more I found out about her, the more memories we made together, the more I loved her.

Protective. Intentional. I wanted her life to be easier because she existed. If she took medicine that was toxic, I researched alternatives. If she was tired, I tried to carry the weight. If she needed something, I noticed before she asked.

I asked myself how does my love feel when I am safe. Looking back just a few years ago answered my question that led to my newfound now knowing.

I study you. I care deeply. I think ahead. I want and try my best to improve your quality of life, not just say I love you. Pull those heart strings and make you feel some real things.

As I dive deeper into self the second relationship has got to go to me. Myself, The Goddess. The God inside and out, me. I say this with strong conviction happily. That relationship is solid. Rooted. Alive. My life is amazing. I'm not saying that with ego either. I create what I want when I want. I move with an exeptional amount of clarity. I see fast results because I believe in myself and I act accordingly. I trust my intuition. I trust divine timing. Most importantly I trust that what's meant for me responds to me. 

When I am safe within myself, I don't chase. I damn sure don't beg. I don't doubt my power. I move knowing I'm supported. Spiritually and internally.

My love is very real. Whole and selfless. I love with my entire being. I love to take care of those I love. Educated. Encouraged. Seen. Fed, emotionally and physically. I am thoughtful in ways that come naturally, not forcefully. This version of me loves freely. Without calculation and fear. Without holding back. That's typically the part people don't always understand about me.

I don't love lightly, I love deeply when I feel safe.

The contrast between how I love when I'm safe versus how I love when I'm guarded is extreme. When I don't feel safe, I detach. I un love. I disappear emotionally. I become cold where I was once warm. This is intentional. Safety though, unlocks devotion. It unlocks tenderness and just so happen my very best qualities. This file is important because it reminds me and anyone reading that shadow isn't bad it is truth waiting to be released. Shadows need light, avoidance isn't nature. Softness still exists and my own capacity to love is not and will never be broken.

It just needs the right environment to bloom.

Thank you all for reading a long and overdue File. I will be sure to drop a file every Thursday and more when I can. I look forward to getting through this transmission so we can move on to more personal matters. Until then love to you all.

File 014: Attachment & Avoidance

    How I love and how I unlove.

I had a great childhood, it wasn't perfect but it was beautiful to say the least. Extraordinary moments, laughter and innocence...There were parts I held onto way longer than I realized or even wanted to. The parts that shaped how I respond, how I detach, how I protect myself. Not receiving the love I wanted in the way I wanted from my parents created a quiet storm inside. They loved me but the delivery missed me in places where I needed it to land, as I'm sure vice versa with them. That gap took a toll.

For a long time I felt like my love for them faded. Not in a dramatic way just a slow dimming. Like a light I stopped turning on because I didn't like or agree with the shadows it revealed. And when the love faded there it became easier for me not care about loving anyone else. Not fully. Not vulnerably. Not at the cost of myself. I love love truly I do, but I love unloving even more. Leaving, detaching, slipping out the backdoor of my own emotions. That made me feel powerful, safe and untouchable. A Venus in Sagittarius heart explains it all. Wild, free, allergic to cages. When the fire gets too close, I run. A true water sign after all. When someone wants me too much, I pull back. When I feel the tension of vulnerability, I switch into " You can't hurt me if I don't stay long enough" mode.

My love is passionate, but it doesn't like being held still. My love is loyal, but only when it feels understood. My love is big, but it avoids dark corners. My love is honest, but only once I feel safe. My love is savage, charming, sexy and soulful. It also has an exit route drawn on the floor at all times. I avoid things I don't want to explain because for so long I only had myself to talk to. My inner child has been the only witness to my emotions, so I learned to comfort myself and hide from myself. I've always loved me that part I don't question. But I've avoided the parts I didn't wanna deal with. I avoided the wounds that felt too deep or too embarrassing. I avoided the versions of me that needed softness when I only knew how to give strength. Attachment became conditional and avoidance became my love language.

Now I'm realizing that avoidance is just fear wearing independence as a disguise. It's just old pain acting like a preference. It's just inner child abandonment dressed as "I'm good." I'm not running from that anymore. I'm learning to look at the parts I used to turn away from. Learning to sit with the uncomfortable parts of me. The clingy, the distant, the hungry, the scared, the protective, the "don't touch me", the "why didn't you stay." I am teaching myself how to stay with me first. So I can finally learn how to stay with others in a way that doesn't drain me or punish them.

Attachment is how I reached. Avoidance is how I retreat. My healing is learning how to remain.

 

File 013: The Patterns I Keep/Kept Feeding

     There are patterns you don't notice until they start hurting in the same place every time. You'll think life is repeating itself but really, you are. I had to get real honest with myself for this post it's been a little while since releasing my last post and I've come to know and realize that I was feeding the same loops with the same choices. I then had the nerve to expect a brand new outcome to grow from old soil. Truth is I didn't value myself first. I said yes when my body screamed NO. I stayed quiet to keep the peace. ( I'm a know it all if you didn't know). I made myself small so others could stay comfortable. I let people eat off my energy when I was starving and then I'd resent them for it..Not realizing it was me abandoning me.

" If you are silent about your pain, they'll kill you and say you enjoyed it." Zora Neale Hurston.

I fed patterns through the things I used/use to cope:

Drinking too much, A.K.A poisoning myself.

Vaping

Escaping myself

Walking into spaces I didn't belong in, trying to feel something.

Choosing people I knew weren't good for me.

Hurting people who cared.

Hurting myself even more.

Self abuse always becomes mutual abuse. When you treat yourself badly, you give everyone permission to match that energy. I didn't want to admit that once upon a time. I cursed myself with my words, I cursed others too. Out loud or silently. Anger, jealousy, insecurity...All of it leaked into the room before I did, then I wondered why my relationships felt chaotic. I lied, to myself and others. Small spiritual betrayals. The " I'm fine" when I wasn't. The " I don't care" when I did. The pretending, the performing. I sabotaged what was good. I tolerated what was bad. I called it "love," "loyalty", "having a big heart". It wasn't any of those honestly it was fear and habit. It was the parts of me that didn't want to heal yet. I've been lazy with my growth. Lazy with my boundaries. Lazy with keeping my word to others and myself. I didn't appreciate myself, so how could I appreciate anyone else consistently?

I abused people mentally, emotionally, verbally. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes because I didn't have the tools to respond any healthier. Physically too, in moments I'm not proud of. Violence against yourself eventually spills outward.

The pattern was me. The loop was me. The pain was me. The avoidance was me. The most important part is that I'm catching myself now. I'm stopping mid-pattern. I'm watching my triggers before they turn into reactions. I'm noticing the old energy when it rises and choosing different, even when it's hard. I'm hearing that quiet voice inside saying " don't do that again" I'm actually listening. Breaking patterns is not about perfection. It's bout awareness. It's about not lying to yourself anymore. It's about saying " I know what this is, and I'm not feeding it today."

This file is me taking responsibility for the things I once justified. The loops I built, the ones I walked into, the ones I thought were fate and most importantly the ones I'm walking out of now. 

File 012: The Quiet Jealousy

 The envy we don't admit out loud.

Nobody wants to talk about jealousy. Not spiritual people. Not the confident people. Not the ones who love themselves. Not the healed women or men. Not the strong ones. We all pretend we're above it, but shadow work doesn't care about how you look on the outside. It cares about the truth you whisper to yourself when the room is dark. The truth is: I've been jealous before. Not loud jealousy, not hate, not wishing people failed but quiet sting. The discomfort in your chest when someone has something you want, or becomes something you're trying to become, or receives love you always had to beg for, or moves with confidence you're still building.

I wish I could walk around cluelessly and put off the thoughts of what this horribly beautiful world is. Unfortunately fortunate I was born clever, jealous of those who aren't.

It's the jealousy that hides itself as comparison. The jealousy that shows up as overthinking. The jealousy that says "Why not me?" and not in an of course it's me type of way. The jealousy that makes you shrink instead of expand. I used to pretend it wasn't. " I'm just observing", " I'm just being honest", "I'm just protecting my peace". My most common disguises. The shadow always knows. Jealousy was not my sign that I hated someone else, it was a sign I abandoned myself somewhere along the way. Jealousy points to a wound. Comparison points to a desire. Envy points to a story you're still believing about your worth. Sometimes, I'd find myself comparing my journey to people who weren't even in the same timeline as me. I'd feel that internal drop, like I wasn't enough. Like I wasn't doing enough, like something was wrong with me. (Excuse my language but ain't that about a bitch?) 

Here's the part I had to face: Most of the time, my jealousy came from my own insecurities. A version of me I hadn't healed yet. A version of me still operating from lack. I've also been the person people were secretly jealous of, that taught me something too.. Jealousy has nothing to do with the other person. It's always an internal frequency. So now instead of hiding from it, I ask myself: 

What part of me feels unworthy right now? What part of me feels behind? What part of me stopped believing in myself? Jealousy isn't the problem. Silence, avoidance, and projection is. Letting the envy grow roots is. When it comes up now, I don't shame myself for it. I listen to it, and I let it show me the places that need more love, more work, more honesty. The shadow isn't trying to embarrass you, It's trying to free you.

This file was me owning the parts of myself I used to hide, so those parts don't own me anymore. 

Jealousy only lives in the dark, once you say it's name, it loses power.

File 011: Volume Two- The Mirror Begins

     Volume Two: Shadow Sides + Personal Truths

I knew this volume would be different before I wrote the first word. The air around it is heavier,  thick and slower more honest. It's like you can't step into your next version without passing through the part of yourself you'd usually avert your eyes from. Avert your mind from. The the mirror isn't gentle. It doesn't show the curated image, it shows the truth. The little lies we tell ourselves. The excuses. The emotional shortcuts. The patterns that feel like home even when they hurt.

This Volume isn't about judging myself or others, it's about admitting the things I avoid. Shadow work is nothing but honesty. It's the kind that make your stomach drop. The kind that feels like death before rebirth. It wasn't "Them", It wasn't God and or the Universe "testing me".. It was me. My fear. My ego. My defensiveness. My emotional shortcuts. My assumptions. My need to feel in control or protected. My refusal to see the role I played. That's where the shadow lives my shadow lives, n the places you swear you're innocent. I'm not writing this from a healed perspective a pedestal even. I'm writing from inside the mess, from inside the mirror. I know right from wrong. I'm looking at it in the mirror everyday. I'm still realizing how often I show up from old wounds, not present truths. How often I hand people responsibility for feelings that are actually mine. How often I react instead of respond. How often I speak from insecurity instead of clarity. How often I abandon myself while claiming I'm doing my best.

This file is the doorway. The shift from "awareness" to "accountability", from talking about energy to actually looking at your own. Understanding shadow to recognizing when it's wearing your face. This is me stepping into the dark parts of myself without running. I'm tired of repeating stories that are beneath the person I'm becoming. I'm tired of protecting a version of me that no longer matches my frequency. I'm tired of pretending the shadows aren't mine.

So here we are. You, me, the truth, the mirror. Volume Two begins with the part of yourself you must meet before you evolve.

Welcome to the Shadow Frequency. We're going in, but we're coming out different.