How I love and how I unlove.
I had a great childhood, it wasn't perfect but it was beautiful to say the least. Extraordinary moments, laughter and innocence...There were parts I held onto way longer than I realized or even wanted to. The parts that shaped how I respond, how I detach, how I protect myself. Not receiving the love I wanted in the way I wanted from my parents created a quiet storm inside. They loved me but the delivery missed me in places where I needed it to land, as I'm sure vice versa with them. That gap took a toll.
For a long time I felt like my love for them faded. Not in a dramatic way just a slow dimming. Like a light I stopped turning on because I didn't like or agree with the shadows it revealed. And when the love faded there it became easier for me not care about loving anyone else. Not fully. Not vulnerably. Not at the cost of myself. I love love truly I do, but I love unloving even more. Leaving, detaching, slipping out the backdoor of my own emotions. That made me feel powerful, safe and untouchable. A Venus in Sagittarius heart explains it all. Wild, free, allergic to cages. When the fire gets too close, I run. A true water sign after all. When someone wants me too much, I pull back. When I feel the tension of vulnerability, I switch into " You can't hurt me if I don't stay long enough" mode.
My love is passionate, but it doesn't like being held still. My love is loyal, but only when it feels understood. My love is big, but it avoids dark corners. My love is honest, but only once I feel safe. My love is savage, charming, sexy and soulful. It also has an exit route drawn on the floor at all times. I avoid things I don't want to explain because for so long I only had myself to talk to. My inner child has been the only witness to my emotions, so I learned to comfort myself and hide from myself. I've always loved me that part I don't question. But I've avoided the parts I didn't wanna deal with. I avoided the wounds that felt too deep or too embarrassing. I avoided the versions of me that needed softness when I only knew how to give strength. Attachment became conditional and avoidance became my love language.
Now I'm realizing that avoidance is just fear wearing independence as a disguise. It's just old pain acting like a preference. It's just inner child abandonment dressed as "I'm good." I'm not running from that anymore. I'm learning to look at the parts I used to turn away from. Learning to sit with the uncomfortable parts of me. The clingy, the distant, the hungry, the scared, the protective, the "don't touch me", the "why didn't you stay." I am teaching myself how to stay with me first. So I can finally learn how to stay with others in a way that doesn't drain me or punish them.
Attachment is how I reached. Avoidance is how I retreat. My healing is learning how to remain.
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