File 014: Attachment & Avoidance

    How I love and how I unlove.

I had a great childhood, it wasn't perfect but it was beautiful to say the least. Extraordinary moments, laughter and innocence...There were parts I held onto way longer than I realized or even wanted to. The parts that shaped how I respond, how I detach, how I protect myself. Not receiving the love I wanted in the way I wanted from my parents created a quiet storm inside. They loved me but the delivery missed me in places where I needed it to land, as I'm sure vice versa with them. That gap took a toll.

For a long time I felt like my love for them faded. Not in a dramatic way just a slow dimming. Like a light I stopped turning on because I didn't like or agree with the shadows it revealed. And when the love faded there it became easier for me not care about loving anyone else. Not fully. Not vulnerably. Not at the cost of myself. I love love truly I do, but I love unloving even more. Leaving, detaching, slipping out the backdoor of my own emotions. That made me feel powerful, safe and untouchable. A Venus in Sagittarius heart explains it all. Wild, free, allergic to cages. When the fire gets too close, I run. A true water sign after all. When someone wants me too much, I pull back. When I feel the tension of vulnerability, I switch into " You can't hurt me if I don't stay long enough" mode.

My love is passionate, but it doesn't like being held still. My love is loyal, but only when it feels understood. My love is big, but it avoids dark corners. My love is honest, but only once I feel safe. My love is savage, charming, sexy and soulful. It also has an exit route drawn on the floor at all times. I avoid things I don't want to explain because for so long I only had myself to talk to. My inner child has been the only witness to my emotions, so I learned to comfort myself and hide from myself. I've always loved me that part I don't question. But I've avoided the parts I didn't wanna deal with. I avoided the wounds that felt too deep or too embarrassing. I avoided the versions of me that needed softness when I only knew how to give strength. Attachment became conditional and avoidance became my love language.

Now I'm realizing that avoidance is just fear wearing independence as a disguise. It's just old pain acting like a preference. It's just inner child abandonment dressed as "I'm good." I'm not running from that anymore. I'm learning to look at the parts I used to turn away from. Learning to sit with the uncomfortable parts of me. The clingy, the distant, the hungry, the scared, the protective, the "don't touch me", the "why didn't you stay." I am teaching myself how to stay with me first. So I can finally learn how to stay with others in a way that doesn't drain me or punish them.

Attachment is how I reached. Avoidance is how I retreat. My healing is learning how to remain.

 

File 013: The Patterns I Keep/Kept Feeding

     There are patterns you don't notice until they start hurting in the same place every time. You'll think life is repeating itself but really, you are. I had to get real honest with myself for this post it's been a little while since releasing my last post and I've come to know and realize that I was feeding the same loops with the same choices. I then had the nerve to expect a brand new outcome to grow from old soil. Truth is I didn't value myself first. I said yes when my body screamed NO. I stayed quiet to keep the peace. ( I'm a know it all if you didn't know). I made myself small so others could stay comfortable. I let people eat off my energy when I was starving and then I'd resent them for it..Not realizing it was me abandoning me.

" If you are silent about your pain, they'll kill you and say you enjoyed it." Zora Neale Hurston.

I fed patterns through the things I used/use to cope:

Drinking too much, A.K.A poisoning myself.

Vaping

Escaping myself

Walking into spaces I didn't belong in, trying to feel something.

Choosing people I knew weren't good for me.

Hurting people who cared.

Hurting myself even more.

Self abuse always becomes mutual abuse. When you treat yourself badly, you give everyone permission to match that energy. I didn't want to admit that once upon a time. I cursed myself with my words, I cursed others too. Out loud or silently. Anger, jealousy, insecurity...All of it leaked into the room before I did, then I wondered why my relationships felt chaotic. I lied, to myself and others. Small spiritual betrayals. The " I'm fine" when I wasn't. The " I don't care" when I did. The pretending, the performing. I sabotaged what was good. I tolerated what was bad. I called it "love," "loyalty", "having a big heart". It wasn't any of those honestly it was fear and habit. It was the parts of me that didn't want to heal yet. I've been lazy with my growth. Lazy with my boundaries. Lazy with keeping my word to others and myself. I didn't appreciate myself, so how could I appreciate anyone else consistently?

I abused people mentally, emotionally, verbally. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes because I didn't have the tools to respond any healthier. Physically too, in moments I'm not proud of. Violence against yourself eventually spills outward.

The pattern was me. The loop was me. The pain was me. The avoidance was me. The most important part is that I'm catching myself now. I'm stopping mid-pattern. I'm watching my triggers before they turn into reactions. I'm noticing the old energy when it rises and choosing different, even when it's hard. I'm hearing that quiet voice inside saying " don't do that again" I'm actually listening. Breaking patterns is not about perfection. It's bout awareness. It's about not lying to yourself anymore. It's about saying " I know what this is, and I'm not feeding it today."

This file is me taking responsibility for the things I once justified. The loops I built, the ones I walked into, the ones I thought were fate and most importantly the ones I'm walking out of now.